medaase paa boamadumase

Friday was the perfect day to have our party. Sofie and i decided it should start around 5 and go all night. we would try to invite everybody and keep the music going until midnight at least, let it boom across the village to let everybody know we were leaving.

"i usually just sort of sneak out" she said "i don't know how i feel about a proper goodbye."

"you don't have to worry, because, whatever it is" i said "it'll be funny."

she agreed.

around 4:45 we left our house to make our way to the clinic. but on my way i stopped by my seamstresses shop, no bigger than a children's clubhouse. she was inside, finishing up a skirt and top for me, with pins clenched between lips and pumping her foot up and down on her manual sewing machine. she looked over and saw me, then tried to give a smile. in a few minutes, she had finished.

she handed me the green skirt and i took it and went into a tiny sectioned off space in the corner. i had to duck low and steer clear the window that was directly in front of me, a group of preteen boys were playing soccer with rigor and an old deflated ball. i wasn't in the flashing mood.

i put it on and it felt okay, but there was just one tiny problem. the left side of the skirt had a personality of it's own, flinging out stiffly and curling up towards the sky.

i didn't really like that look. i would have let it pass, but i already had one dress with this peculiarity. i had asked sofie if she liked the dress and she just sort of stared at the flip and shrugged.

i mentioned to the seamstress that i'd really love the outfit if she could just cut off the curl and sew it straight.

she said okay and grabbed it from me the second i took it off.

i went and sat on the ledge of the shop, looking out onto the road. it was market day, people had walked miles from the durrounding villages with bundles of yam and plantain on their heads. they were now turning around to take home what they didn't sell.

Tanko walked by.

"TANKO!" i yelled.

he stopped, looked around until he found me perched, waiting.

"Kacie- hello! um, okay, i'm going to escort my sister here" he said, gently grabbing his lady friend by her elbow "and then i'll be coming."

"no, c'mhere, real quick." i wanted to tell him about the party.

he walked over.

"kacie. it seems it has been quite some time since i've seen you. have you been around?"

"yes. i've been here." i said. "but i'm leaving tomorrow."

"TOMORROW!"

"yes, tomorrow, and i wanted to let you know i'm having a going away party. sophie and i are. and... it's probably already started, it's at the clinic, and i want you to come."

he moved his fingers up and down his slim goatee and said "oh, i'm afraid you've given me very short notice". his worried look gave way to certainty "but you can expect me. i'll come soon."

the sky rumbled deep. it was the familiar welcoming sound of a quickly impending storm. we both looked out across the orange grove, over the trees in the distance. people started running with one hand keeping their market goods on their heads. the winds changed and blew the seamstresses shutters shut.

tanko gave me a look.

"the party is happening, rain or shine." i said.

"you'll celebrate even when the rain comes?"

"yup."

He laughed and ran to meet up with his friend, who had inched her way up the road.

when i looked up at the sky things weren't looking promising. promising, that is, if i wanted to stay dry. i calculated about 10 more minutes before the rains fell, before the storm really hit.

i went back into the shop and noticed the seamstress was no where close to being finished. she was picking apart the blue thread with a razor blade and yelling at her son to get in the shop. it was too late to tell her to stop, that i could in fact live with the left side flip, that i'd rather make it to my party.

instead, i went inside and sat on a table, i fingered brightly colored scraps of other people's clothes. clothes i had seen being worn that week in the village. i looked out the window, the soccer game had vanished. people were safe in their homes, and i felt a surge of guilt. the storm would surely last hours, it would hold us captive in this tiny little space for at least half the night, the seamstress wouldn't be able to go home, cook dinner for her family.

i tried to speak to her in twi, she spoke no english. but i struggled communicating, not sure what to say i resorted to small talk. everything i tried to mention casually she took as having extreme importance and listened with full attention. she'd stop her sewing.

and then, the rain came. it fell ferociously, sopping up the once dry ground and turning boamadumase into one huge abandoned mud pit. 3 people who had left the market late took shelter in the shop along with a gang of small boys. after 10 minutes the rain turned horitzontal, forcing us to close the 1 window and 1 door to keep the inside from getting wet. just as door was getting pulled tight auntie squeezed herself through with a look of relief.

the room was now pitch black, full of thick tropical air and heavy breathing. big white eyes blinked all around me, and somehow the seamstress managed to keep working in the dark.

aunties voice broke the silence the same way the thunder had interuppted Tanko and i. another deep grumble, then little words flying left and right, complaints mostly.

i couldn't handle it so i manuevered my way through the people and told them i was going to my party. i had to leave. i opened the door and was amazed by the amount of water outside. i scrunched up my nose and reconsidered. auntie yelled at me and told me to get back in, to wait it out.

"how long?" i asked, as if she had control of the weather.

"not long." she answered, as if she did.

i believed her and went back inside, shutting the door. i shuffled through my purse handling things and making out their shapes the way someone would reluctantly do in a haunted house's touch and feel section. i wanted to find something interesting to do in the dark, but i hadn't prepared for this. i did have one thing that was sure to be a crowd pleaser.

i pulled out my digital camera and took a picture, then showed everyone.

there was instant excitement and requests for more.

the next hour was spent in a photo shoot, where everyone laughed and posed, posed and laughed. besides auntie, the group turned wild and wanted me to document it all.

and... the pictures helped time to pass, until my battery ran out.

my skirt was completed, ironed and folded nicely in a bag, so i bid my new friends farewell and told them i had to go. although i was apprehensive about leaving, the storm was bad and it seemed, nobody was out.

we opened the doors and one of the men in the shop let out a loud hoot and pointed his finger to the road in front of us. the road that had turned into a muddy river.

"HWE! (look)" he said, cackling with delight.

we all turned our heads, saw, and burst out screaming.

jumping down the middle of the road in a line were slippery naked pitch black bodies of three young children. they were playing follow the leader, in the downpour, splashing through what everyone else was avoiding. they clearly had conquered the storm, turning it more into a friend to skip and dance with than something to hide from.

they inspired me. and... i think they inspired all of us, because everyone in the shop gathered around the open doorway glaring out, completely silent, in awe.

we all wanted to be them. the children emitted a joy as powerful as sun, and as liberating as eating dessert first. we took in their every move. they jumped and moved their heads from side to side, the way happy children do.

i looked around the village, and adult heads were popping out of doorways all over. each face looked happy, and the children kept at it, weaving and giggling and jumping around like ponies.

i decided it was time to party.

**********************************************

i made it to the clinic having chanted a positive affirmation which i believe kept me clean and mudless. i wanted to be as free as the kids, to pounce through puddles and not worry about a thing, but the truth was i had dressed up for the going away party in a long blue dress and i wanted to arrive looking, as Ma would say, sweet.

i even put on mascara.

"c'mon!" i said to sofie, before we left the house. "it's a big night..." then i thought for a bit "we better put on some makeup."

she agreed and even went as far as to brush her hair.

my makeup bag consisted of a small leather pouch, which held a pink mascara at least 5 years old, a blush of which the clinique counter lady told me would look great on me after i had been in the african sun for awhile, and some wierd brown sparkely gel that neither one of us knew what to do with.

sofie smeared the gel all over her lips.

i put it on my eyelids.

we looked at each other and laughed.

the only mirror we owned was on the blush and it was only big enough to look at my nose, so instead we used each other.

when i walked into the office at the clinic, i was drenched, but clean. it was a small area for a party, so it was a good thing not many people were there. i left my encrusted moccasins at the foot of the door and walked in barefoot.

"HELLO!!!!!" i announced to everyone there.

i looked around and saw familiar faces, but not whom i had expected.

i whispered to sofie "where is everyone? secetry? vera? you know?"

"they're coming i think, but, if you haven't noticed" she said "there isn't any music. or drinks."

"it'll come." i said, sure of the reliability of my one-armed friend. "is my mascara running?" the question was foreign. sofie ignored it.

"when?"

"it'll come, just wait."

i was very late, but nobody seemed to mind. the weather had made everything turn dark early, so we asked Watchman to turn on the generator, to get some lights going.

after another hour or so, sofie got fed up. "i can't wait any longer, the drinks aren't coming."

more people had shown up, and it was time to provide.

"i'm going to send secetry into town to buy some crates of beer."

i thought that would be a good idea.

"what are we going to do about music?" she asked.

"looks like we won't have any." and i turned to talk to the room full of guests. most of who had arrived were the health volunteers, they had jumped on their red bicycles and pedaled through the rain, each from their own village, miles away, to say goodbye to us.

"akua, soon you will be home and oh! we will miss you and sofie."

i smiled.

a knock outside the office door. we turned to look.

it was sakola, with his friend, little sister, and mother, and standing behind them was the woman we asked to make the food for the party. she had 100 balls of kenkey in a big silver pot on top of her head.

"you guys made it through the rain!" i was happy to see them. people were hungry. "come in come in."

i heard sofie suddenly becoming aware of things neither one of us had thought about.

"shoot man, i didn't even think about plates." she said.

"hmmm..." i said, cringing. "...well at least we don't need forks." as if that helped at all. i was thankful that people preferred eating with their hands.

i became painfully aware that hosting required planning of details, like utensils. it also required reaching out and being overly kind. when sofie asked me if i wanted to serve our guests i told her no, they'd come and eat when they were hungry. i sat in my chair, cracking jokes with some friends, and was suddenly hit with etiquette, with the fact that i needed to stand up and move. i was reluctant at first, because it seemed like a lot of work and hanging out making people laugh seemed so much better. but then i thought of the countless meals that had been served to me over the last 6 months and of all the people who clearly spent extra time and effort to make me feel comfortable. i stood up.

efreeyeh walked in with a stack of plates, all different, some plastic, a few ceramic, most paper. "efreeyeh! you are good." i said. she half way rolled her eyes, and told me to make her up a plate.

the night was progressing smoothly. the space was too small, so we all crowded together, sitting on the arms of chairs, the corner of a desk, perched knees to chest on the floor.

this is what i like best about ghana, the spirit of malleability and of resiliance.
circumstance had changed our vision of a lively, out door celebration filled with dancing, drinks and food into a stuffy indoor half equipped gathering, and people still wanted to party. not one complaint, just laughs and the familiar smell of other people's body odor. i knew i was going to miss it.

suddenly i felt the presence of someone very important arrive in the doorway. i turned to look.

it was Ma, and she had fixed herself up for the party in a powder blue dress, yards of starched fabric full of intent. her head was covered in a beautiful wrap of finely woven kente cloth.

i stood up while she stood for a second or two, assessing the "party".

she barked an order for someone to get her a chair and i offered her mine a second too late. we both looked at my chair, constricting with it's narrow arm rests, and waited for another to come.

"Ma" i said "welcome. you look gorgeous."

"oh thank you." she replied in a barely audible voice, an almost bashful voice.

a small girl brough her in a chair, free of arm rests. Ma pointed to the 3 silver pots sitting on the ground in the middle of the room. "what is this?"

"it's dokono. can i make you a plate?"

she gave one firm nod, so i began to assemble her a meal.

"how many balls, 1 or 2?"

she began to make an excuse even though i knew she would have come with a belly full of fufuo either way. "i wasn't aware you were having food. i have already taken-"

"fufuo!?"

"yes" she laughed. "fufuo. give me 1."

i poured on the sauces, mixed them together, and tried unwrapping the maize flour from the husks that held it together. it was too hot. each time i'd peel back the husk for half a second, i had to shake my hand around for 5 until it cooled off.

i looked very sensitive, very white-girl-raised-with-potholders-esque, and i was very conscious of my antics. but it didn't bother me, it was a feeling i had grown overly familiar with having spent so much time with Ma.

efreeyeh walked in and saw me and it bothered her, my being borderline pathetic. again, just for a moment, i wished i was a little more hard core. i wished for thick callousses on the palms of my hands.

she grabbed the steaming ball of food, removed the husk serenely, plopped it on a plate and handed it to Ma.

i sat back down in a chair next to them both.

across the room was a new volunteer, a white volunteer, who had just arrived in country and was visiting for the bush party from a nearby hospital, in Agogo. sofie invited her. i had spoken with her for a brief time, going through some of the basic getting to know yous, but drifted away from her general vicinity once more people arrived. she looked comfortable with being an outsider, not knowing anyone really, but her face was beginning to perk up in my direction and i could feel that she wanted to engage in further conversation.

now that Ma had arrived and was sitting silently on my left i became stingy with my attentiveness, i didn't want to give her any. this girl did not know that it took some dull empty moments to get Ma to open up. she did not know that Ma was who i wanted to be speaking to, spending my last night in communion with. if i could have snuggled up on Ma's lap, like an old familiar cat, i would have.

i licked the crumbly bits of the meal off my fingers and silently hoped the new volunteer wouldn't make small talk, but as is mostly the case, wishing for something NOT to happen usually spurs it into existence.

"so like, how did you get here?" she asked.

i wasn't sure exactly what she meant when she said "here" (ghana, earth, to the party through the rain?) i pretended that the few other people in the room were talking too loudly, and i hadn't heard a thing. i wondered if my 'hadn't heard a thing face' was too obvious. i tried desperately to think of a conversation starter for Ma but couldn't.

the girl wiggled herself out of the corner of the couch and pointed herself in our direction, but she didn't say anything.

we were all waiting, for something, and nothing was happening so i introduced the two.

"you haven't met Ma yet. this is Ma. she's senior staff here, the head midwife."

Ma glowed and continued to eat.

"you look like a head midwife." the girl said, laughing nervously, filling in the moment of what could have culminated into a response with more talk. "i could tell right when you walked in the room you shouldn't be messed with. i mean..."

it didn't appear that Ma knew how to interpret waht she was saying. was it a compliment? she looked over at me quizzically, like she needed help with a crossword puzzle. i stepped in.

"yes, Ma has taught me everything i know about midwifery. she's been my teacher for the past 6 months..."

i noticed Ma straightening her posture, then tilt her head to look at me, her budding student. she leaned in to me and whispered "and Kaisy, by now, you should have learned everything there is. isn't that so? you can deliver, i've seen you do it nicely. and as for suturing you can study that when you go to your training, ah?" she glanced at the girl and mentioned "here, we deliver women gently, so they won't tear." then back at me. "oh Kaisy, you have done well. very well. i will miss you."

then she frowned and looked down into her lap.

i felt a rising tide of emotions swell inside my chest.

the volunteer spoke up. "so, like, how did you decide you wanted to come here?"

i felt her question was going to pull me away from the moment, the way she said 'here', the way she wanted me to describe an experience i was still having and would soon be gone from.

i ignored her.

"i'll miss you too." i said back.

my heart began to churn and i felt uncomfortable. when i looked at Ma's face i saw her eyes swelling up, glossing over. the room was empty, people had brought the festivities outside now that the rain had cleared, and it was just the 3 of us in the room.

"soon-" Ma said "i will be going back to my house."

"i can escort you if you'd like."

she forced her mouth into a thin line, barely resembling a smile, tight and forced.

"so has it been fun working out here in the village? i just can't imagine what you must have seen?"

i didn't want to hate the volunteer, because she was just being nice. so instead of hating her i was annoyed by her. if i could have flicked her far away into the bush, if i could have cleared her from my area like an unwanted ant on a picnic blanket, i would have.

i tried to remind myself that i was a christian and with that, a short answer flew out of my lips over to her in hopes of satisfying, but before i knew it Ma leaned into me, saying through trembling lips, that she "had to go pass urine."

"okay." i said.

then she stood up slowly, hoisting herself to her feet, and left.

i felt panicky. i didn't want to leave boamadumase, or Ma, or Ghana. i wasn't ready to throw my suitcases into one of the dusty old taxis and wave goodbye. i wanted to spend more time sitting on porches, observing grimy goats scratch their sides against dilapidated buildings, and packs of children climb the old rusty farm equipment abandoned outside the mosque. i wanted to learn more twi, see the mango season come to a close, wait for the papayas to grow in pink and explosive again.

i had to get out of the room, away from anything that took me out of my current reality by making me discuss it.

i squeezed myself between groups of people chatting with one another, gave some firm excitable handshakes, yes yes i'll tell my mother you say hello. i found sakola, and his mother and latched onto them, and after about an hour i realized Ma had left for good.

"sako?" i asked "will you come back to Ma's house with me? i want you to meet her, and i want to make sure she got home alright."

"let's go." he said.

it was my last chance to introduce Ma to Sakola, and i knew she was interested in who he was, mostly because he was just as concerned about what i was going to eat for dinner as she was. she knew i ate with him almost every night, except the oahze nights of course.

Ma's housegirl Gladys was out in the dark compound washing dishes.

"agoo?" i said.

"come."

"is Ma asleep?"

i heard a deep voice from inside yelling at me to come back, so i did. when i walked into ma's bedroom she way lying on her bed with a wrap half way covering her orange brown skin. she was curled in the fetal position and her breasts were exposed, spilling out from all angles. her hair was in disarray. she was sweaty and obviously had been trying to sleep but wasn't successful.

she had a look of relief because i had come to find her, to see how she was.

"kaisy." she said seriously. "i had to leave- i had, to leave- becauseicouldn'tfaceyou."

i didn't say anything back.

"and when i go to work on Monday, i will be all alone."

my throat started to tighten and i could sense the need to cry. i didn't want to cry in front of her, mostly because i was afraid it would somehow shame her and it would make the good bye even harder.

"i brought sakola to see you, he's with his mother, they're outside."

she looked down at her half dressed body and started laughing, belly shaking, boobs hanging, and all. "tell them i am sleeping!" she said.

"i will."

i left to turn and walk out of her room when she yelled "kaisy!"

i faced her.

"tomorrow, if you feel to, you can come here before you leave."

"okay, i'll come."

"oh and have you written down my post? don't let it spoil, you should keep it safe, you must write me once a month so i can know how things are with you."

"yes, i already put it into my address book."

"good. so in your letters, please, let me know how things are going, your training and your family, at least one every month."

"and you too" i said, reminding her "you can write me. efreeyeh has my address."

"yes."

we looked at each other and i was taken aback by this strange relationship i had formed with a woman that needed 2 years of begging to allow me to be her apprentice.

"please, kaisy, pray for me when you are gone."

"i will."

"and i will pray for you, that you find a husband before you are too old to marry."

i laughed. "okay Ma, thanks."

"then, tommorrow?" she said falling back down into her mattress, ripe with insomnia.

"tommorrow." i assured. "rest up."

when i walked outside i tried to keep a few paces ahead of sakola and his mother because tears were slowly dripping down my face and i wanted that to be my secret. i kept my head down and my arms pulled in tight and before long we had made it back to the party, which had quickly turned into more of a fashion shoot now that the photographer had arrived and was flashing everyone's pictures.

the rain began to fall again, and i stared at all my friends posing for the camera man, proudly using a broken down car as a backdrop for their photos.

i heard sakola's mother mumble to him that i was crying and sakola glanced sideways to see if it was true. when he saw that it was he reached out and put his arm around me and leaned his head into mine. then his mother walked around to my other side and wrapped her arm around my waist. we stood there for a long time, and they let me cry with out saying a thing.

language is not always neccesary, sometimes in fact, it is unneccesary. in times like this, differences between cultures, borders, governments, beliefs... they all seem to fade, to recede, and the power of love shines through in its simplicity, in its wholeness.

"akua kessywa you must come and shoot a pikcha with us!"

i had a crowd of friends begging me to join them, to document our good times. the photographer had his eye focused behind a huge camera, with his flash stacked high. he waved us over without removing his face from it's position. i pulled sakola and his mother across the health center lawn, through the rain, and we squeezed in, leaning our backs against the car while more and more people crammed themselves into the space; madame vic, efreeyeh, vera. kingsley was crouching below me, secetry's smile was huge and natural and he was leaning on me, back up against me like i was a podium. townspeople were popping in all over the place and the rain had turned my turquouise dress a deep blue.

"get sofie!" someone yelled, and they dragged her out from inside. in a matter of minutes, sofie's hair was plastered to the side of her face and the we erupted into what reminded me of an opening scene in a movie, where a huge extended (dysfunctional) family attempts to pass food, converse and generally coexist around an enormous dining room table hosting some type of important holiday meal, like thanksgiving.

the amount of pictures they had the camera man take far surpassed obssesive, as we stood there for over an hour completely drenched, smiling and seeing stars. each time sofie and i would try to move away from the photographer, someone else would step in and ask for a picture, just the two-or three- or four- of us.

and the more i stood there the more i thought, this is like Thanksgiving. it is the culmination of my time spent in ghana, of the relationships i've made, of people i care about, of all the things i am grateful for. its my learning about another way to live, a slow and focused way to live, where people are priority and time is abundant.

i looked around and couldn't help but feel blessed at having been placed in this village, with these people, my friends.

and if the white volunteer hadn't left already, i would have pulled her into our pictures, and wrapped my arm around her, and apologized. i would have let her know that Ghana and it's people would wrap it's arms around her during her stay here, and not to worry, that she has come to a place so special, that it might carve out some type of spot in her heart that when she left she'd realize could only be filled with the love and laughter and spirits of all the people who were surrounding us.

i would say, welcome.

send off party

"good morning. you are looking beautiful."

Ma gave me her smile that meant the day was going to be smooth. she was in a good mood, feeling peaceful and well rested.

"thank you." i said, i curtsied then i went to sit down. i was wearing a new dress made by a seamstress in town.

"it suits you" Ma said "who made it?"

"some woman down the road."

she nodded. "you're late."

"yes. i got caught up."

"doing what?"

"Ma... i'm trying to organize a party. a huge party, because sofie and i are leaving soon."

"when will you go?"

"friday is our last day in boamadumase."

"eh! kaisssssssyyyyyyyy. hmk hmk hmk. 6 months, the time has gone. oh kaiissy, i will miss you oh."

"Ma! i will miss you too." a moments pause, then "how do you say that in twi??"

"ahhh ha. you want to be a ghanaian, don't you see?"

"but i need you to tell me a few things" i said. "i want to announce on the loudspeaker that sofie and i will be throwing a party, here, at the clinic, on friday night. but first i wanted to ask. would that be alright?"

"you can do it." she said.

earlier that morning, while i was throwing my trash into the bushes outside our gate, my slingshot-making one armed buddy rode by on a bicycle. he had great dexterity. he skidded to a quick stop and said he had knocked on my door early in the morning and no one answered.

"we were probably sleeping." i said.

he continued to tell me he looked for me at the clinic, and since i wasn't around he was riding back to his town. i asked him why he was looking for me and he said someone told him i wanted to know about renting some loudspeakers, he was the guy to talk to. i had no idea what he was talking about, but it sounded like fun. "yes, i wanted to speak to you about that." i said. i expanded a 10 second conversation sofie and i had had into a plan. "i'd like to have a party, how much and how long can we have them for."

"200,000 (20 dollars) cedis will be sufficient." he said. "from early in the morning to late at night."

i liked watching him speak, he smiled while he talked.

"okay" i said "can you come around 5, at night, and play all night?"

"yes, i can do that."

"are they the funeral speakers, the really loud ones?"

"yes."

"good." i said.

"and what about drinks?" he said.

i had to think about that one. drinks for an entire village? i didn't have the money.

"okay, bring 8 crates, half minerals and half beer. does that work?"

"yes."

we talked a little longer, enough to make me late for work, enough to ensure there would be some loud ghanaian music on friday night tearing apart the village ear drum. when i told Ma about what had been organized for the send off she had one concern.

"but you didn't get food?!"

"i can't feed the entire village."

"you must have food. prepare something nice."

"if we have food, i won't announce our party on the loudspeaker."

the loudspeaker is the modern version of beating a drum to inform the villagers of important information. every night a man stands in the middle of the dark road, between the stands of women selling egg sandwiches and oahze, and presses a button on his handheld machine. the button sounds like a bad rendition of an ambulance, the sound ripples through boamadumase. it is loud and draws everyone's attention. after it quiets, the man screams out that tuesday is clean up day and all villagers must meet to pick up the street, or he might say the Chief needs people to help him with something at the farm, or anything else that has been appointed for him to say.

i wanted to let everyone know about the party. Ma laughed. "what will you say? you will have to speak it in twi."

"certainly!" i stood up, pretended i was the announcer pressing the button. "beweobeweobeweo! agoo! agoo!"

Ma pushed her hands on the sides of her chair and stretched back. i continued in simple twi.

"agoo! people of boamadumase- listen." i looked around and spread my hands around in front of me, just like the man does it. "it is akua kessywa. i am here to tell you friday-" i stalled, whispered,"how do you say party in twi?" Ma told me. "i am here to tell you friday i will have a party. please come. there will drinks and dancing, there will be no food. bring me a gift."

with these few lines, i had successfully gotten Ma to the point of deep choking laughter, her dress buttons practically ready to pop off. i'm sure it was a combination of my precise white girl twi mixed with my acting. i had her just where i liked her, needing to take deep breaths to recouperate.

"what do you think?" i asked.

she heaved and bent her head down, closing her eyes. then she looked up. "EFREEYEH!!!"

the name echoed through the clinic grounds, and within a minute, in her forest green uniform, efreeyeh appeared. "Ma." she said, standing like a cadet.

"kaisy, do it."

i repeated my act as efreeyeh covered her face and squinted her eyes. under Ma's thumb i know efreeyeh feels as if she is not allowed to laugh at work, but this time she was set up.

"thursday night, in the center of town, i'm doing it." i said.

"akua, they will laugh at you."

Ma chimed in, able to speak now and imparting wisdom "if you tell them there are free drinks, they will come running. you see how we are, if something is free, the entire village will come."

"okay, i'll leave that out. i'll say there will be no food, no drinks, only dancing, and please bring Yaa Sofia and me a gift."

sofie and i had both grown tired of being asked for things. it hadn't really let up since christmas, and i hadn't become immune to it. although, my close friends had refrained, and i loved them even more for that but sometimes it got so bad, people asked me for my clothes while i was wearing them, and these were people i knew had wardrobes of their own. it really challenged me with jesus' words about giving a man your cloak when he asks for your shirt. i decided that if i remained friendly while i refused, that was good enough.

"i was late today, because i met my friend on the road and i had to hire some music. he's coming at 5, here. Ma- will you dance?"

"i will."

"efreeyeh?"

"ahh huhhh..."

"then i will tell everybody, we can celebrate, and we'll get food just for staff and my friends at the house."

"who?" ma asked. "for sakola?"

"yes. and some others."

she liked sakola even though she didn't know him, she only knew we ate dinner together each night, and in Ma's world that meant he was taking care of me. she had asked why i didn't just marry him. i told her, sharing a bowl of fufuo and sharing a life were very different things. "but if he suits you, it can work." i said it probably wouldn't work. then she tried setting me up with ed because we both are white. "he has a girlfriend." but the answer bothered her, she tried every way around it.

"oh kaisy, we will miss you. you are jovial."

"and you Ma, i'll never have another teacher quite like you." "...and my time is running up, i need to make good use of it."

"by all means, a woman will come to deliver. you will see. there will be 3 or 4, you can deliver them."

"okay. can i do some learning right now? can you teach me some things?"

she didn't even need a second to think. she responded "ask efreeyeh."

i smiled, i was going to miss her too.

dodging coconuts

sofie and i made another trip to the coast, this time a little further north. it was a place i had never been to, a place sofie loved.



"come on" she said "we've got to get out of the village this weekend. i can't be bothered to spend another weekend here, i'm tired of entertaining myself. please come!"



i felt indulgent, considering i had just been a month earlier, but the beaches here are too beautiful to refuse and we both were leaving Ghana in a weeks time. we had been working hard at the clinic, it was another well deserved vacation, i told myself.



"i just want to warn you" she said "it's posh, and there are a lot of oburoni's there."



it is always a little disconcerting transferring oneself between two extremely different realities in such a short amount of time, so i was thankful for the warning. when we arrived to the beachside resort it was much better than i had anticipated; not very crowded, still very earthy and relaxed, and more secluded than i was used to.



"ahhhhhhhhh" we both said when we stretched out on our beachside chaise lounges. i left to buy a water from the restaraunt. when i returned we debated sunscreen. both of us secretly admitted our visions, of people expecting us to have become darker. living in a village does just the opposite, that is, if you are culturally sensitive. sakola had forced me into covering up my legs for 6 months and they were in need of some exposure.



"none for me." i said, looking down my body, imagining white turning brown, then realizing white most often goes red first, "okay" "maybe a little."



the beach was close to empty besides a group of men sitting about 20 feet away from us. we paid them no attention, but when they started barking and screaming we couldn't help but look at them, then at one another.



neither sofie nor i said anything, but we let out a few little grunts of supierority and a secret girl pleasure. we continued to sunbathe.



the strange noises got louder, and they were disturbing our peace, so i sat up to try and see what they were doing.



when i glanced over i noticed one of the four men was peering back at me. he was short and overwieght and enjoying life in a very tight speedo.



he waved.



it was a creepy wave. his palm raised upwards like a balloon that just got away, then it stopped and he curled each finger downwards slowly and stiffly. i didn't want to be rude, so i waved back, emitting no emotion. i tried to look away afterwards but i wasn't quick enough. the man caught my wave as if i had blown him a kiss, he pulled it into his body, and shook all over like an epileptic.



it was a strange interaction. i didn't like it at all, so i laid back down and through clenched teeth told sofie NOT to turn her head.



"why?" she said, lying on her stomach, hugging her chair.



"they're staring." i whispered.



we were in their full view so i had to play it cool.



"oh fuck em." sofie said, but she didn't move either.



"they're gross." i said.



"i know. when you left to get the water they asked me where i was from. they're russian."



the men started up cheering and ranting and raving again. "geez" i said "people say americans are loud."



sofie laughed.



i would have liked to ignore them but instead i took an intense pleasure in being disgusted by them. "look" i said and sofie sat up. "what is he doing?"



the short one was down by the water, rolling down the shore sideways into the waves, like an out of control taquito. then he let the current bob him back up, only to do it again. it looked ridiculous. it looked like something i might have done.



i noticed a few local ghanaians staring.



i wanted to let them know i thought these white men were strange too, i wanted to tell them not all white people know each other.



i tried not to watch the short man but his energy was so demanding, rolling and thrashing about in the waves. then, as if he knew i would be staring, he popped up and waved. i quickly closed my eyes.



his friend was just the opposite, tall and strong with a shaved head, the only similarity was their matching dark blue speedos and how loud they both were. he began pacing underneath his big thatched umbrella, working up some sort of opening dialogue that i knew was coming our way.



"c'mon, we're going swimming."



sofie sensed the urgency in my voice and jumped up. we walked down to the water, fully aware of their eyes on us, and ran in. I submerged myself up to my neck.



"every where you go in the world there is always the guaranteed creepy guy. anywhere."



she agreed.



we swam a bit, the water was nice. "i don't ever want to go to russia." i said, ducking through the waves, glad for the first time to be wearing an unattractive bathing suit.



the pudgy russian had been floating around, circumventing our area. i knew that one moment of accidental eye contact would latch us together for the rest of the weekend. i kept my back to him at all times.



Eventually he made his way to the shore, like a forgotten piece of driftwood, where he lodged himself and didn't move for hours. I took special note of his large patches of back hair, clinging to his sides, like furry Christmas ornaments.



Sofie and I went for a walk down the beach. A man was walking in our direction, fully clothed, and when he got close he pulled out his phone and lined it up to get a picture of us. I quickly wrapped myself in my sarong, then I stared at him and said "people think they are so tricky with their camera phones!" I heard the courtesy shutter sound take the photo, then he slipped it into his pocket and continued.



"what the hell?" I said incredulously.



I was glad I did yoga earlier in the day, it was the only thing giving me inner peace, that and the fact that sofie wasn't noticing these things. "he took our picture?"



I, on the other hand, felt under attack, I felt I needed my slingshot. It would have made things a lot easier.



When we got back to our towels we split up. I went swimming again. The undertow was strong and the water had become rough. I body surfed a few waves then went to sundry.



"whats this?" I said, pointing to the big green coconut propped up right where I was planning to rest.



Sofie had her head buried in her arms and her stomach muscles were flexing from laughing. She wasn't looking at me.



"where did you get this coconut?"



she kept laughing then stuck her eye out in my direction. "it's a present." She said.



"from your boys?" I asked.



"they brought it over for you."



I moved it down to the sand and sat down. "why me?"



"I told them I didn't want it, that I'd give it to you."



The top of the coconut had been sliced open and the water from the inside was glistening in the sun. "I don't take coconuts from strangers, especially if I didn't see it be opened."



"no, you're not serious are you?" sofie asked.



I nodded. "rohypnol."



There was a moment of silence. I was certain sofie would think I was paranoid so I had to ask "why don't you drink it?" the way she was looking at it I knew she was thirsty.



"idunno really. It kind of grosses me out."



I laughed.



The men had created a link with the coconut and neither one of us knew what to do. So it sat in the sand while we both pretended not to be bothered by it.



I looked over at the Russian men and they were coolly staring off into the horizon.



It was a good looking coconut, taken from one of the palms directly above our heads. I could tell the flesh of the coconut would have been delicious, it appeared soft and sweet. I tried to strike a deal. "okay" I said to sofie "you drink it and I'll eat it."



She shook her head a definite 'no'.



"but you're thirsty?"



"don't care."



"okay then I'm going to pour out the water and go ahead."



"NO!"



the coconut and the men were eliciting too much power. I had to go back in the water, get away from it all, wash away the stress.



When I got out for the 3rd time, walked back up to our spot, I noticed the coconut was empty.



Sofie was asleep.



"sofie?!"



"huuuuhhhhh…"



"did you do it?"



"what?" she laughed.



"you drank it?"



"ya, it was rough. Tasted like sea water."



We both agreed that the men were repulsive, and so were their coconuts.



"should we go over and thank them?" she asked.



"THANK THEM! Sofie! and fall into their trap? No way. That was the whole point of the coconut in the first place."



"you're right." She said.



Instead we continued to watch them from afar. They were strange, and the more I observed the more I felt like I was on safari. I knew that if I kept my distance, like in all the wild animal parks, I would have a greater chance of limited contact, and if they tried to approach again, I would run.

Chief

the relationship between Chief and i (chief my roomate, not the Chief of Boamadumase)
has blossomed into that of an older sister coexisting with a little
brother. he's gone from nothing more than a unobserved waft of wind, to
a tormentingsquealing overly demanding annoyance, and i think it all started the day i walked in on him going to the bathroom.

i
had been sitting on the porch, chatting with my porch people, needing
to use the latrine. i was lazy and i couldn't be bothered, i didn't
want to make the walk. it wasn't far but my mind told me to wait, just
wait.

so i talked a little more, a little "too much" as sakola
would say, until the last minute when i jumped up and ran to the side
of the house, through the papaya trees down the little path that has
yams poking up on both sides now. as i got closer, something told me to
back away, to not open the door.

but i ignored that something,
as i sometimes foolishly do, and i pushed the door open and hit Chief
in his knees. he was sitting down on the toilet with his head between
his legs concentrating on more difficult matters.

he looked up,
and wagged his finger at me, and spoke more than i had ever heard him
speak since the first moment of living with him.

i couldn't
understand any of it, and i wasn't really in the mood to try and listen
and figure it out, so i told him sorry and closed the door.

i peed in a bush, than ran into sofies room. i was giddy, with a very strange type of rush. the i-just-walked-in-on-a-person type of excitement.

"guess what?" i said, not waiting for a response "i just caught Chief shitting."

sofie laughed and let out an 'ewww'.

i continued, rambling. "i kind of feel weird about it. but then, i guess i don't.
but he doesn't talk to me, and, i slammed the door open and he started
talking to me, and, i didn't really know what to do. so i just stared
at him, said 'mepaakyew' and walked away. but, ya, i don't know. should i
say something again? it sounded like he wanted to talk to me, but i
just ran off? i don't know... i should have known! deep down inside i knew he was in there..."

i heard the front door open and close. Chief was back in the house. i shut sofies door and hid out.

why was i making such a big deal of this?

every time i tried to talk myself down, i'd imagine him crunched and naked. it was such a vulnerable position to see somebody in, i'm glad i didn't zero in too long on any facial expressions.

"okay" i declared "i'm going out there. i'm going to face Chief."

i opened the door, summoned my courage, and walked down the hallway closer to his door. he was in his room, apparently relaxing.

i moved slowly. when i reached his area i left the opportunity open if he
wanted to talk, but as i passed by he didn't say a word so i kept
going. then spontaneously he appeared at his shuttered glass window,
opened the slates, and peered out into the hallway. i looked back at
him. our faces wereseparated by a screen only. i was staring into his
long face, from his tensed forehead down to his very very buck teeth.
he is an awkward looking boy.

he put his finger up as if to test
the direction of the wind by his cheek. he pressed his nose against the
screen and he said in a low somewhat dramatic voice

"BE CAREFUL."

it was the first english
words, or any words for that matter, that i have understood come out of
his mouth. the vision popped into my head again, his folded over
bathroom body, and i couldn't help but fall to the floor laughing.

he opened his door quickly and saw me leaned up against the wall.

he said it again, in the same deep voice with the same finger movement.

"BE CAREFUL."

then he went in and shut his door.

that was the first incident that broke through our barrier of an impersonal relationship.

the following progression of instances were subtle but constant.

now, Chief surprises me in all areas of the village, when i'd
least expect him to be there. he doesn't announce his arrival, or his
departure, he just walks by me and reminds me to be careful.

i
might be sitting in a parked taxi, waiting for it to fill up, when i
feel the back of the car bounce up and down. i turn and look out the
window to see Chief and his index finger, mouthing his new favorite
phrase.

or i could be buying my morning meal of rice, from the woman selling it out of her big metal bowl, when i turn to look and see Chief leaned up against a distant tree watching me. "Be Careful" he reminds me.

in the market, on bike rides, relaxing with friends, playing soccer- no doubt about it, Chief will show up. sometimes he crouches low in bushes.

i don't think he's doing it to threaten me, he just as a bad case of severe boredom. i am his new favorite hobby.

the
Be Careful then developed into a knocking on my bedroom door and then
running, like a roommate door bell ditch. he does it at all hours of
the day and night, seemingly not caring about my sleep or privacy.

the
door bell ditching then morphed into a breaking and entering type
situation, where he would knock- open the door- walk into my room- and
stare at all my things.

he is not a relaxing person to be
around, mostly because i can't understand a word he says and it is all
murmured under his breath, but still there is something intriguing about him. he is a total oddball.

"he's the only ghanaian i know who doesn't greet." sofie said.

"him, and seth." i reminded her.

"but Chief is different."

"he's in a completely different world."

we
tried to figure out what it is he does all day, besides following me
around and telling me to watch myself, and this is what we've come up
with;

he walks around town alone and listens to his headphones
he plays cheap loud hand held video games with small village boys
he gets ordered around by auntie
he repairs peoples shoes

that, i believe, is the current life of Chief.

his walkman needs double A batteries. one day i was reading in my room when
he broke through my unlocked door and targeted my small supply. he
mumbled a few things as he walked over to them, and he scooted in
close. i knew what he was doing the entire time and he wasn't going to
get away with it. i told him to be wise, which meant not to joke when it comes to batteries.

he started laughing, put his hand behind his back, and grabbed a few when he thought i wouldn't see. then he ran out.

i
jumped off my bed, grabbed a bagged water, and chased him through the
house. he started laughing and gasping and pulled up his pants with one
hand while he ran away from me and opened the front door with the other.

he slammed it shut.

i poked my head out and told him if he was interested in sleeping inside tonite he better return my precious batteries. then i shut the door, and locked him out.

he
tried the back door but i was standing there with a big bag of water in
my hands. i wasn't kidding around any more, i told him. taking my
batteries was a serious offense, he would be soaked in less than 10
seconds if he didn't give them back.

he tossed me one.

"and the other?" i said in english.

he said something back in twi, and i raised the water bag over my head.

he threw the second one.

"and the last one?"

he shook his hands all around proving he was innocent.

"fine." i said. and i let him pass.

Chief liked being chased, and it has turned into a favorite past time of his.

he
knocks at my door, comes in, steals something, and i chase him. the
ritual is very tiresome. i eventually had to let him know.

"Chief, i'm not going to chase you anymore. it's getting old. leave me alone."

but like a good little brother, he hasn't.

i've
tried to withdraw but it only makes matters worse. he'll knock, open
the door, see that i won't chase him and instead take my keys from the
inside of my door and lock me into my room. then he'll wag them and
clink them against my window, then disappear.

when ed was around he was out by the well attempting to wash some clothes. he asked
me if i had any wash soap and i said i did, "i'll be right back." i
went inside and began rummaging through my things. when i located the
soap i went back to my door and tried to leave only to find i had been
locked in. "CCCCCHHHHHHHHHEEEEEIIIFFF!!!!" i screamed, but no response.
i never know when he's coming back, but it usually doesn't take long.
this time was about 10 minutes, during which i had to talk
myself down at least once. 'i could escape this room in case of a
spontaneous fire.' then i imagine gathering all my strength and being granted a dose of that amazing adrenline that helps mothers lift cars off their babies. i would bend the bars outside my windows and jump out.

when i brought the soap back out to ed, he looked like he
was almost through with his clothes, although i wasn't sure how he had
washed them. "sorry" i said "chief." he knew about chief, he had heard
the 'becarefuls'. he laughed and shook his head.

the other day i told sakola that chief is a troublesome little boy.

"little?" sakola said.

"ya. little."

"you are his junior. chief is 27."

i could barely believe it. chief, 27?

i
partly would like to stop our fighting but there is an addictive
element, which is, chiefs laughter. his face resembles a cartoon horse
and every time he laughs i feeli've accomplished something great, i've exposed his teeth and forced him to smile, i've roused him out of a humdrum day. it is a simple feat but nonetheless, great, like putting a baby to sleep.

i've tried to take steps to counter his attacks. when i remember i remove my keys from my door. i've
hid all my batteries. i threaten him with water bags AND my slingshot,
which i am certain scares him. he threatens me with his slingshot,
which scares me even more.

"okay okay" i scream, when i walk
through the gate after a long day at work. "no more!" i see he has a
good sized rock nestled between the leather strip.

he just laughs and pulls it back a little harder.

i don't trust him enough to laugh, he exists on the boundary of playful and crazy, an uncomfortable place.

"chief!" i say, sternly "be careful. i'm serious."

the tips of his swingset teeth appear just between the crack of his lips.

"really, chief, be careful."

as he lowers the catapult down to his side he raises his finger and says "NO. YOU. BE CAREFUL."

happy bervday

i didn't want to be dissapointed when my birthday came around, so instead, i made preparations for myself. 3 days before, when i was in kumasi, i took my first trip in over 6 months inside a grocery store. the choices were too numerous i didn't know what to do, so i grabbed a COLD! bottle of chocolate soymilk and a packet of cookies labeled "American Style Brownie Cookies" with a picture that looked delicious. i hoped the image of the chocolate chunks poking out of the tops of the cookies wasn't lying to me.

"this should do." i told myself.

my birthday would be celebrated, no matter what. even if no body in the village remembered, i would have 16 brownie cookies to keep me company. the chocolate soymilk was consumed while i waited in line. i missed waiting in grocery store lines.

i returned to the village just as the sun was setting. sofie was sitting on the porch, drawing her feet, she looked up.

"hello!" she said cheerfully.

"hiii..."

"you're back!"

"yeah."

"well i'm just sketching my feet" she laughed "it's friday night you know? we should go out!"

we both laughed at the idea, knowing full well there wasn't really any where to go. our new favorite game was to talk of impossibilies in a realistic way.

"where do you want to go?" i asked.

"anywhere really. we could go salsa dancing..." she kept drawing and thinking.

"dancing sounds fun, but i kind of want to watch a movie. let's go to the movies!"

"ohhhhhh- a film! wouldn't it be great to watch a film? it's a bugger i didn't get my mom to bring us over any, but i guess we'd need electricity..."

my arms were full of bags, i motioned to them, "i'm gonna go inside and drop these off... i'll be back out..."

i went to my room and unloaded my goods. the rainy season had displaced the ants, and now they were streaming around my walls in tidy delicate lines. i knew i had to hide my precious cookies far away from where they marched. the bag wasn't open but i didn't doubt their capabilities, so i stuck the sweets in a plastic bag and hung the bag around a hanger, then put the hanger in the back of my wardrobe.

i went outside, laid my cloth next to sofie, and took in the last few moments of light.

"so" i said "what did you do today?"

"ahhh? saw some patients, taught a lesson, came home, sat here... it's been a bit slow really."

i liked seeing sofie relaxed, it was unusual.

"who's inside?" i asked, two voices were making their way through the walls out to us. "sounds like they're fighting?"

our 4 ears perked up and we listened intently, then we looked at each other. "auntie is yelling at someone, let's go see who it is."

the difference between this sound and all the others, was that the person was yelling back at auntie. when i walked around the corner i went straight into my room, immediately embarrassed to be in caught in the middle. it was auntie and seth, screaming at one another. i didn't turn around to see where sofie was, but i heard her bedroom door close.

the fight was directly outside my door. auntie was barking at seth accusing him of sneaking around, lying about where he says he goes. seth was yelling back telling her he is an honest man, if he says he's going into town, that is where he will go.

i didn't understand why they were fighting about something that seemed so mundane, but i was sure it wasn't just that. any way, i felt cooped up, so i took a deep breath, opened my door, and scurried over to sofie's room. i noticed sakola was now involved, holding back skinny seth from going after his mother.

it was a regular african jerry springer. my sister would have loved it.

"what's the matter? why are they fighting in english? how bizarre..." sofie asked, when i reached her hideout.

"i'm not entirely certain..."

we stayed put, sofie resting on her bed, and me resting my ear against the door trying to work out all the details, until i was sure it was all over. when we emerged, both seth and auntie had packed up and left the house. i went outside, sakola was walking the length of the porch, back and forth back and forth.

"sako!?"

"akua."

"they're gone?"

he laughed.

i ran back inside, told sofie. "they've left!"

i know that sofie likes auntie, all but her singing at 4 every morning.

"dance party!" i yelled.

sofie grabbed her hand powered long wave radio from atop her window and spun the handle around about 20 times, then put it down. "really let's do a salsa lesson. highlife is nice music to salsa to... i'll teach you."

we spent the next hour in her room while i struggled trying to learn how to move my ribs. "it's really not the most important part" sofie said, while hers were moving around in perfect circles "it's this step right here..."

sakola peeked his head in the room and made fun of me. "akua, is no correct, heeeeyyy."

i didn't like somebody commenting on my imperfections, esp. while i was trying to learn. "why don't you come and try to do it, stop staring!?"

about every 8 minutes or so, the radio would lose power and one of us would have to grab the handle and crank it till it had enough juice to give us another session.

"i'm hot man! let's go out on the porch." she said.

we took the radio outside and put it on the ground. Cheif, my ghost roommate who i now have quite a strange connection with, walked over to our music and switched the station... to talk radio, in twi.

i ran after him and threatened to beat him up, he grabbed the stereo and ran away from me like a little boy, laughing through his nose and choking on the excitement of possibly being caught.

"cheif we want highlife, put it back on highlife!"

eventually he did, but the salsa lesson was over. i couldn't bear having the boys watch every move i was learning, then comment on my inability. cheif was finding too much pleasure in it. so instead, i danced my way, kacie way, with spins and kicks and wiggles. sofie claims i have rhythmn, and i do, but not the kind that can be harnassed into the precision of a salsa move. sakola liked this new dancing better. "is good" he said nodding "is good. i'm like it."

the night was perfect. the energy from town could be felt, it was busteling but far away, and our porch scene was full of life. i was coming up with some pretty outrageous moves i had never tried before, even jumping up and hugging one of the big thick columns on the porch. it feels good to hug columns.

sofie mentioned earlier that she feels more like a kid now than she ever has.

i had to agree.

"we are constantly having to find ways to keep ourselves busy. i'm really keen on inventing entertainment." she said.

and it was true, each day we had successions of big round hours. all these big round hours were plump with nothing to do. we had to squeeze the life out of them. at times, it was tedious, being confronted with an afternoon's blank agenda, but, it eventually gave way to a million and one little acts of creation. and creating is fun.

we were constantly trying to find ways to keep ourselves engaged. sometimes, one of us would think of something absolutely brilliant, something that could fill at least a few hours.

this last week we had already created an obstacle course complete with buckets of water and a homemade jump rope, learned important facts about one anothers countries (one including Manchester is the new unofficial gay capital of England), verbally recited our favorite recipes, and manually spell checked sofie's journal.

"you're birthday is on sunday." sofie said, as she moved in the dark to the music.

"i know..."

"what do you want to do?"

"i don't know..." i kept dancing.

i couldn't invest any thought at that moment, all i could say was "i bought some cookies. brownie cookies."

i heard her appreciate the comment with a little moan, and the night went on.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

i wrote in my journal,

tommorow, i will be 26.

just to remind myself.

then i planned the day as follows.

1. sleep in past 4 a.m..

i knew this would be easy now that auntie wasn't around and i was looking quite forward to it, which is why i was a little pissed off when the knock on my door woke me from a wonderful slumber. i looked at the clock, it was just about to be 6. i got up and opened the door to see sakola standing in front of me, smiling and staring. "akua, the builders are here." he pushed his arm opening my door, motioning his finger around my room. "you have to pick this up."

i glared at him, then recited- i am in control of my attitude. i am in control of my attitude. i am in control of my attitude.

it wasn't helping. i didn't appreciate being woken up and then told to clean my room. and before i knew it, i had strange men trampling around measuring and grunting and carrying tables into my space.

is being overprotective of one's privacy a sin?

"okay let me just move my mattress" i said, bending over and trying to move it out of the way. i wasn't sure what these guys were doing, something along the lines of window dressing. curtains wouldn't be a bad thing, i told myself, they would keep Cheif from constantly peering in. i tried to see the positive, because i knew i wouldn't be getting back to bed.

then sofie walked in with one of my market bags in her hand. it was full, and she plopped it down in front of my feet. "happy birthday." she said. "do you like the gift wrap?"

i unveiled my present in her room, slowly, with much delight.

on the top was a journal. inside the journal was a step by step guide, drawn and watercolored and easy to understand, of our daily yoga routine, so that i wouldn't forget it when she wasn't around.

just as my name is akua kessywa, she has also been named Yaa Sophia (so-fy-yah) Fire. on top of the paper said "Yaa Sophia Fire's Training" in bright red.

behind sofie's training manual, was another beautiful watercolor she had done of a view of the maternity center.

"your life!" she said, humbly admiring her work from a distance.

it was the best present, and i wanted to hug her but we didn't really have the hugging type of relationship.

"thank you, so much." i said.

"keep going..."

i reached down and pulled out a bag of dried fruit, the kind her mother had brought from london. packages of snacks, esp. fruit, were more precious than gold. i could barely believe she'd give up an entire thing.

"sofie!"

i felt greedy getting more. i wanted to stop, she urged me to continue.

i pulled out a radical pair of dangly earrings, something she found at the local market. i loved them. they were coppery gold and looked like the scales of a fish falling from my earlobe.

she gave me her english-twi dictionary which was much more expanded and detailed than mine. she was certain i'd get more use out of it, and i was instantly looking forward to all the words.

"i hope they fit" she said, as i pulled out a pair of jeans, something we both had spent hours talking about in the past few months. it was frivolous talk, of how we missed slipping ourselves into our favorite jeans, and walking around in weather that was cold enough for them. if it was imperative i would be able to sew her jeans from back home, stitch by stitch. i know them that well.

i ripped off my shorts and put them on. they pinched my waist, gave me a cameltoe, and went up to my ankles. "ohh sofie! you shouldn't have! i love them!"

it wasn't even 7 in the morning and it was already a great birthday.

everyone had planned a delicious dinner, my favorite ghanaian meal of boiled plantain and garden egg stew.

sofie and i spent the morning outside. i couldn't decide whether or not to go to church. "i'm spiritually starving." i said, as i looked up at the sky. i missed my church back home, i missed being in community with people who truly understood me. i didn't want to sit through another sermon in twi, and strain to understand.

"how about you give me a sermon here?" sofie asked.

i agreed, and told stories of the times God has answered my prayers in incredible ways, of times when Grace had never been more clear.

"this is great!" sofie said "i'm doing things here i've never had the time to do at home. i keep telling myself i want to be more spiritual."

initially i felt a little nervous because from what i've gathered sofie is very turned off by christianity. i can see why. but there is the other side, the beautiful side, and i wasn't sure if i could illuminate it the way i know it. our morning on the porch was stimulating and i believe it revived us both.

we helped sakola and his mother farm in the afternoon, by gathering and carrying huge baskets of cocoa on our heads. we were depositing them in a head high pile which would be harvested the next day. every time i passed sakola, he'd smile big and say "akua! happy bervday!" and i'd keep walking by him, focused and glad to have him notice.

after bathing back home, my old friend Osmand stopped by to say hello. he was casually carrying a big white chicken by it's legs. it looked paranoid.

"kacie- hello. i've stopped by but haven't met you in a long time. i brought this for you." he handed it over to me.

i was excited, but still, i didn't want to touch it.

"a chicken! osmand!"

he wiggled it a bit, he wanted me to take it.

"thank you! here, let's put it over here." i hurried him over to a corner where he tossed the chicken. "wow, thanks. nobody had ever given me a chicken before."

we sat and caught up with each other. he let me know how the Muslim soccer team was doing, since i hadn't been playing with them. i told him to tell the guys' i say hello.

"so, about the chicken. i guess i have to kill it to eat it huh?"

it was a stupid question, which is why i hate it when i hear some people say 'there are no stupid questions.'

"will you be able?" he asked.

"no. i can't kill that chicken. look at him? his little glassy eye all freaked out. osmand! i can't even look at him all tied up like that, it makes me feel wierd."

"sakola can do it for you."

"but what happens if i need to MOVE the chicken?"

he looked at me and laughed.

"i know" i said "can you just bring it over here into sakola's room and we'll keep it in there until he comes home?"

sofie yelled "not in sakola's room, it will shit everywhere!"

i kept going "ya, bring it in here, we'll shut the door, perfect."

the chicken was crumpled in a corner close to sakola's bed. he would know how to handle it. i didn't want to touch it's feet, all leathery and waxy.

we ended up moving it a few more times, and its final destination was underneath a wicker basket on madame's porch, where it would suprise them all.

my birthday had turned out to be a huge success, in a different sort of way. all these people i loved were showing me love with chickens and jeans and smiles.

we went to madame's house to eat dinner. i had just learned the twi word for "gift" a few days before. i asked them if they saw the "akyedee" we left them on the porch and they all were thrilled. "tommorow you can kill it." madame said, knowing how i would react. "sofie wants to." we looked over at her and she didn't know what we were talking about. "you see? she isn't protesting." i said. Collins laughed.

NanaKwame and Sakola took a bicycle into town, loaded the basket with soda and beer, and came back to distribute. sakola was intent on drinking beer. i liked his resolve, it was unlike him. i joined in, loving every sip of my birthday beer, it's warmth and all.

just before sunset, i thanked the family for cooking my favorite food and singing me happy bervday, and went down to the clinic with sofie to visit our other people.

kingsley, his wife, and daughter, along with Ma's housegirl Gladys were relaxing on benches outside the clinic, watching the sky go from pink to orange to yellow. they had a stereo blaring ripe african beats. the wind was blowing warmth in whirlpools all around my body and face and we all got the urge to dance, so that is exactly what we did, till dark.

i went to the houses behind the clinic, greeted vera, efreeyeh, and Ma, and answered their questions with 'it's been a wonderful day'. efreeyeh was braiding Watchman's first wife's hair.

"happy berthday akua." she said.

"efreeyeh, since today is my birthday and all, i am going to ask just one favor."

she twisted the hair into tight antenaee around the woman's head. "what is it."

"i need a little boneshakin'"

"eih! akua. okay." she let go of the strand and backed up a bit. she bent her knees, made her elbows go alert, and shimmied her waist around. "boneshaker!" she said.

i clapped.

"thank you, thank you. now i must be going, it's dark already."

i ran out of her compound, met up with sofie and we went home.

"don't you kind of like the way they all say bervday?" i mentioned, on our way back.

"ya, it's just nice that they all noticed. i was wondering how today was going to go. did you have a nice time?"

"yes, i did." "i'm excited to be 26."

"good."

"and i'm excited about those brownie cookies..."

"yaaaa..."

"and about our chicken dinner tommorrow night..."

oh saturdays and slingshots

saturdays, are still generally long slow days filled with laundry and not much else to do. i was through with my wash, and i was dying for a little stimulation.

it was early and nobody was in the house.

i swept my room, 'made my bed' by throwing my one sheet into wrinkle free status, then went out into the backyard with my new best friend, my homemade slingshot.

i have been wanting to make a slingshot since i was in the first grade and i started collecting ecclectic homemade battle gear. my uncle had made me a wooden sheild to block the flying unripe figs that my older brother and his friends pelted at me on my walk home from school, and i found some sharp rocks to attatch at the end of my spears that would be good for stabbing. my dad bought me camoflauged shorts and a matching shirt, perfect for a city girl trying to hide out. i was set, i thought. but still, deep down inside, i knew i needed a slingshot, or flaming nunchucks.

one day, while i was out on the side of the highway trying to flag down a speeding tro tro i noticed a small shop, the size of a storage shed, selling thick red rubber bands. i walked over and asked the man how much. he said a few cents, so i bought one. then he laughed and asked me what i was planning on doing with my red rubber band.

"defend myself, kill things, you know."

"do you know HOW to make a catapult?" i could tell he didn't have much faith in the white girl.

"ya. of course i do."

"so you know you should buy this band here as well." he said, pointing to a skinnier length of long red rubber. "and this." he held up a short leather strip, the launching pad.

"oh ya, let me get some of those also."

i gave him a few more coins, and snatched the goods away. then i went back to the side of the road, with my purchase dangling from one hand. all the cars were full, nobody was picking me up. my dark hair had absorbed all the suns rays and was sitting on my head like a sizzling cap. i needed some shade.

i went over and sat down at a roadside bench, in the shade. i stared at my rubber bands and felt excitement at the possibilities. i'd make a slingshot, give up my home, travel in the woods, and eat the meat i killed using the slingshot over a fire i started, for the rest of my life. i'd bathe in rivers, sleep in trees, and be free. i wouldn't cry when i sprained my ankles, and eventually i might not even need shoes. i'd finally be hardcore.

a young man, about my age, walked by me looked at my hand and giggled. his smile made me smile. he stopped a few feet ahead, turned around, and asked if i was planning on making a catapult.

"yes. i am."

"can i help you?" he asked.

"i kind of wanted to do this by myself." any male involvement in this activity was going to ruin my vision.

"i see you have the string" he said "but you need that thing..." he was squinting his eyes trying to remember the english word. "you need the stick, for the middle."

"ya, i know. i'll get it later."

"why don't you let me go find the stick for you?"

i didn't say anything, i just stared at him and thought about it. then... "where are you going to get it?"

"i'll have to go to the bush."

"okay, fine. you can find the stick, but make sure it's a good one, nice and strong."

"yes, i will. wait me, i'm coming." then he walked off, across the highway, into the wild.

i sat and waited, not long, and he returned. he had carved the stick into a perfect Y, and he even made the handle smooth by taking off the bark, revealing a firm white underlayer. when he came over to the bench and sat down next to me i noticed he only had one arm.

i stared at it.

"give me the string." he said, motioning to the opposite end of the bench, where they lay.

i handed them to him.

he wedged the stick between his no-arm armpit and he held the thick rubber band around the twig with his other hand. he took the smaller skinnier rubber band and tied the thick rubber band to the stick using thta. he cut off the excess with the pointy edges of his incisors and spit it out on the ground. then he looked up at me.

"can i help you with any of this?" i asked, more intruiged by watching a one armed man make a slingshot than feeling the need to do it all by myself.

"oh don't worry."

then he worked on tying the other half to the opposite side of the Y.

"you really know what you're doing." i said while a chunk of rubberband was in his mouth.

when he was free he looked up and said "every small boy in ghana has a catapult. but you? you are a grown white woman. what will you be using this for?"

i laughed and looked down. "anything really. mostly i just want to shoot things."

then he asked "why?".

"i don't know why, i just feel like it."

hearing the words come out of my mouth i seemed so blase about life, about taking life. i didn't believe i was ever a vegetarian.

"what will you shoot?"

"what is there to shoot?"

"okay, well, you can go looking for bushmeat."

"yes, that is what i will do."

he handed me my completed killing device, and stood up to leave.

"hey" i said, "thanks for helping me. you did a lot better job than i would have done." he had secured it tightly, and i was sure it'd last a long time.

"yes, it's true. and you see my arm here?" he lifted his wedge.

when i looked closer i realized he actually did have an arm, but it had curled up and molded itself together.

"what happened?" i asked.

"buruli ulcer."

"sorry." i said.

"eh, it's okay. by the way, what is your name?"

"i'm kacie."

"okay kacie, have a nice day."

i raised my slingshot up "you too, and thanks again."

now whenever i look at my slingshot i think of my buruli ulcer friend. sometimes i see him playing checkers with his friends, when i'm waiting for a tro tro. i call out to him, and he gives me a big smile back and waves.

but it was all an act, my desire to kill things.

nanakwame came by that saturday, saw me with my slingshot shooting at nothing in the distance, and told me i wasn't "correct", that we needed to go to where his finger was pointing.

i jumped up gladly.

we went hiking in the bush behind our house, after having walked through acres and acres of orange trees to get there. in the orange grove he showed me his shooting skills by aiming at the innocent fruit, which plunged to it's death because of his accurate shot. he stuck them in his pockets for a better time, when we hid and ate them in secret.

my pants were full of walnut sized rocks and i couldn't stop shooting.

"kessy!? NO! you don't shoot there- you don't shoot there. you shoot the tree, why?"

"because i want to!" i'd yell, as i launched another attack on the distant folage.

he walked over authoritaritively and ripped the slingshot out of my hands.

"hey nanakwame! what are you doing?"

"is no correct!"

"i'm shooting..."

he pouted his lips and handed me my slingshot. "like this" he said, creeping close to the ground eyeing a little bird sitting on the end of a tree branch. he jumped and shot and the bird flew away. i liked the sound of rubber whizzing through air.

we spent the rest of the afternoon shooting birds and oranges. we were only successful with the oranges.

"is kama kama!" nanakwame said, approving of my newly aquired slingshot skills. i was quite proud myself, even though we didn't get any animals. but i was glad we didn't kill a bird, nanakwame stopped shooting once i told him i don't eat bird, apart from the usual.

"you don't eat then you don't shoot." he said.

but i kept at it any way, sure i wasn't going to come close to anything that had an opportunity to move. i wanted my shot to sound like his.

we eventually had to go home because we both needed water. after a day of hiking in the sun i rested for a bit on my bed, but the sound of the birds crashing into the front window was disturbing me. i tried to ignore it, but it sounded more like a flock trying to get through than just 1.

i heard sofie's door open, not realizing she was home too.

"sofie!" i called through my window, the one that faces the living room.

"those birds man!" she said.

i grabbed my slingshot and went into the living room. "i'll shoot them." i said. "i just need some rocks."

sofie ran into the backyard and found some uneven concrete chunks and deposited them in my palm.

"thanks." i said.

we crept down the hallway, quietly, the way i had seen sakola do it when he shot the birds. they were kaa-ing in the front, bashing their beaks into the thick black reflection. i threw open the front door, jumped up, let the concrete chunk fly and it hit the window with a bang.

all the birds turned and took flight, unscathed. but the sound of the rock hitting the window was jarring, and i inspected for possible crackage.

sofie didn't get to see what happened but she heard it. "nice shot." she said. i had hoped i impressed her, but i didn't show it. i wanted her to see my unlimited abilities, one of which was master hunter.

but i knew i was a long way off when just a few days later auntie had some men at the house repairing the front window.

"it broke?" i asked, eyes big and feeling fully responsible.

sofie said "yeah- you didn't hear the bird the other night? it crashed through the window- woke me up and scared me half to death!"

i looked at the spot where the firework crack was expanding. "are you sure?" then i admitted guiltly with concerned eyebrows... "i think i broke it."

"na, i heard it, it was a bird in the middle of the night."

i felt the need to fess up to auntie but i didn't know how to explain a situation with so much uncertainty involved. in her language either i broke the window, or i didn't, and i wasn't sure if i really had.

the crack was exactly where i intended to shoot the bird, but sofie said it crashed through at night.

"okay" i said, "i believe you."

i've now set some ground rules when i go out slingshotting.

1. i'm not allowed to do it around glass.

2. or children.

and i've had to come to terms with the fact that my future probably doesn't involve being hardcore, or, as much as i'd like to pretend, but sometimes, pretending is the best part.

at the beginning there was a wicked woman...

i was sitting in Ma's seat, behind her desk, because she had gone on a weekend vacation and i preferred her view. i also liked pretending she didn't exist, that it was just me and efreeyeh running the maternity ward. i sat there and imagined repainting the walls, the same colors- greens, yellows, pinks, just a fresh coat. maybe i'd rearrange the furniture? but mostly, if it was my center, i'd try to make the services free- i wouldn't want money to discourage a woman from coming. i was deep in daydream when efreeyeh walked in and sat down.

"whatareyoudoing?!" she said, abrubtly but playfully.

"i'm thinking." i said.

"you shouldn't do that."

the ghanaian word 'to think' is 'jwene' and it usually connotates having a problem, or being worried. people don't think when they are content. in the past, when sakola asked me what i was doing, i used to say i was thinking. he'd always tell me "stop thinking. is no good." his response always worried me until i figured out the context.

"nothing is wrong." i informed her.

"okay."

then we went back to silence.

efreeyeh blossoms when Ma is not around, she has more personality. and since Ed had come to the village, her energy levels had heightened. he had informed her the charity was going to help sponser her through midwifery school. it is a 2 year commitment, to which she'll be returning to work in the village, at the health center, to relieve Ma into retirement. but first she'd have to wait for Vera to go to nurse's training, also of which Foundation Human Nature would be sponsering.

a lot of changes are taking place.

Ed has hired a coordinator for FHN, his name is Vasco, and he is young, full of fire and vision. he's close friends with Ed, and was one of the chief people who helped rebuild and reestablish the clinic. that was 4 years ago, and he has just graduated university, ready to start working.
secetry tiptoed around Ed for days, trying his hardest to smile through his deep fear that Vasco's compentence would eliminate his role. i just found out he has been working full time without pay, Ed had never even met him before. he didn't know secetry existed. but in the typical secetry way, he saw a need in the community, at the health center, and he fulfilled it.

now, i hated seeing him so timid, so afraid, so much resembling an abused dog. his laugh was fake and his eyes lost their sparkle. he didn't stand firm while greeting. sofie confirmed my observation. "secetry looks pretty bad, doesn't he?".

i cheered when i found out ed invited secetry onto FHN staff. "i really like him, he's funny. we need people like him working here." is what he said. i congratulated secetry, and he said "oh well well, tank you. tank you." then he told me he would do this work for free. "akua, don't go chasing money. rather, you do the right work and the money will chase you."

life at the center was brimming with possibilities and hope, with celebration. staff and health volunteers were riding around on their new shiny red bicycles, ringing their bells, showing off. Ma had even been promised a bicycle, she gladly accepted the offer.

i was enjoying the week, sitting and soaking in Huttel Health Center life, spending time with everybody's good moods.

"i want to tell you something" efreeyeh said "but you have to promise not to tell anyone."

i love those kinds of introductions. "okay, tell me."

"akua, do you remember that woman? the woman who had those twins?"

"the one we visited at home, the pregnant one?"

"yes, that one."

i had been wondering about her. she was way past her due date, and i occasionally saw her during my time off, as i wandered about the village. she could barely walk and she had turned into the hugest pregnant woman i had ever seen. the lining of my abdomen cringed everytime i smiled in her direction. "yeah, i remember her. please tell me she's delivered."

"she delivered."

"where?" i asked, wondering if Ma yelling at her scared her away from the clinic, or if she was one of the cases at night that i missed.

"she delivered in Duampopo, in the next town over."

"Duampopo?! why did she deliver there?"

"akua! hey! i am trying to tell you a story. listen."

i made myself comfortable in Ma's chair. "okay, go."

"akua you have to correct me when i make a mistake. i want my english to improve. so correct me."

"i will- tell me the story."

"so this woman, the one with twins, she hadn't delivered as of last saturday, she was too big! she was too too big." "the man who got her pregnant actually has another wife. for 6 years he has wanted a child but this woman, his first wife, couldn't give him one, so he got one from my friend, the woman with his twins. the man begged his first wife to let him marry the second one and she agreed. but she wanted him to bring her soooo many things first."

"like what?"

"oh things! she wanted 6 cloths, nice ones, kama kama. 6 nice cloths?! he is not a rich man, how can he do that? she couldn't do that. so she didn't bring them to him so-"

"efreeyeh stop. i'm confused. you're mixing up your pronouns."

"thank you. HE didn't bring the cloths to HER."

"good."

"HE didn't bring the cloths to HER, so she became angry and visited the jujuman, and put a curse on my friend which is why she didn't deliver. she had to go to duampopo to deliver with a pastor, a woman there who prays prays prays and then delivers." "you see? the juju was too strong her babies wouldn't come, it was coming up to 1 year she had been pregnant."

"1 year?" i asked, skeptically.

"akua, believe me, she is my friend. it was close to 1 year, and it could have been longer."

"how do you know all this?"

"you can see the way they move, you can see how the one woman disturbs the other woman. she is always acting unkind, when they are in town the one woman will always be saying things about the other woman. it's true akua, the first wife is a very wicked woman."

"so who is this woman in duampopo?"

"the one who delivered the twins?" she asked.

"yes."

"she is a traditional birth attendant and a woman pastor. she prayed and prayed for the juju to leave, and the twins came."

"where'd they come?"

"at the woman pastor's home."

"oh, okay. and so why is this a secret?"

"ai akua! it's a secret because only a few people know, if you say something, one person will hear and tell another, like that, you see?"

"ya but who cares if everyone knows?"

"because the first wife will beat my friend if she sees that we know. if she knows we know her movement, going to do juju, she will become very furious. so we have to pretend as if nothing is the matter."

"so going to the juju man is a secret thing."

"yes. you can go and-" she grabbed a pen from the desk "say he wants this thing. you can give him this thing. give him this thing and tell him 'do not let this woman deliver' and he'll keep the thing and do what you have asked. like that." then she leaned back and said "ei! 1 year... akua... you don't have juju in your town?"

"not like yours, no. we don't have juju men."

"is that so?"

"i know you told me this was a secret story, but what if i wanted to tell some people."

"akua! you-"

"-some people from my home. can i? i don't think they'll tell anyone in boamadumase, or duampopo. i'll just write it in a story."

"okay...you can do that. start it like this. 'at the beginning there was a wicked woman...' and you can go from there to tell the story."

"okay, i will."

she stood up, leaned over, swatted my arm and laughed. "akua!".

oops!

sofie had been working on what she referred to as "the bike project" since the beginning of her time in ghana. her goal was to get each health volunteer and staff worker their own bicycle. she had contacted an american NGO in accra, which gives discounted bicycles to people living in villages, after having provided a day of training them how to maintain it. every time she went to the internet cafe, she corresponded with the NGO and worked out the details of how to get 20 bicycles into Boamadumase.

she wrote up and list, with the help of Secetry and I, of who would be recieving a bike.

i remember the day we got the paper out, and wrote down the names. it was a few months ago. i don't remember exactly what happened, but somehow Ma got left out. i can faintly recall us all looking at each other skeptically as to whether or not Ma would want a bicycle. we might have even laughed at the thought of her riding around town.

just last week a big lorry filled with red postman bikes pulled down the road and unloaded the goods. they were stored in the men's ward until the day of training, a saturday, when some men from the NGO would visit our village and teach us all how to take good care of a bike.

the arrival of the bicycles created quite a stir. people in town saw the truck driving through, and now on my walk to work little children were asking me to give them a bike. everyone at the health clinic were anxiously anticipating being able to ride around, and were looking forward to recieving them. even sofie had an extra bounce to her walk, and kept peering through the shutters to get a good look at them all locked up and lined up.

most of the health volunteers have been asking for bikes for years now, i was told by ed. he's been promising, and was relieved to see sofie take charge and make it happen.

we were sitting in the office talking about how excited every one was, how happy they all were, how beneficial a bicycle would be for some of the volunteers that live miles and miles away, when i got up and walked across the lawn into Ma's office.

kingsley was leaned up against her doorway, and she was sitting behind her desk, in her white dress. kingsley was defending himself, shaking a little and nervous like Piglet.

i walked past him and sat down in a chair, ready to engage in some late afternoon conversation, when all of a sudden Ma exploded. i couldn't understand what she was saying, but i had never heard her speak like this before. Her face went from a glowing orangish to a greenish to a deeper red. she wasn't happy.

kingsley hid a little behind the door frame, while Ma's hands whipped around, smacking the air around her. i was afraid of what i just walked in on, afraid to look at Ma. her voice had grown deeper than a roll of thunder but there was something else peculiar going on... it was shaky.

when i glanced over at her i saw that her bottom lip was quivering and her big owl face was trembling at the edges. her eyebrows were like poison arrows.

i didn't say a word, i just crossed my hands and stuck them between my crossed legs and looked down. then, i listened attentively, as miKe waRRingTon would say.

"i never heard that!" the words flew passionatley in twi out of Ma's mouth "NOBODY EVER ASKED ME!"

"they wrote the list and said you didn't want a bike." kingsley said.

"WHO? WHO WROTE THE LIST? HMPF." she leaned back in her chair for a silent moment, then... "YOU DIDN'T EVEN THINK TO ASK ME!"

my mind quickly retraced the making of the list. a surge of guilt shocked my body. had i spoken for Ma? said she didn't want a bike? cracked a joke about it? i felt i had to make something better, but i wasn't sure how.

"ma?" i said, a little too quietly.

"I AM THE HEAD MIDWIFE, SENIOR STAFF, NOBODY EVEN CARES!" she yelled. kingsley was toeing the ground.

"i think it was an accident." i said, sheepishly.

"EI! HA. HMPF." she stared blankly ahead, her mouth in full frown, with a look she was about to start crying.

"i'm sure we can get you your own bike."

"IT ISN'T THAT!"

silence and a deep breath.

"WHAT PAINS" she said "IS THAT NOBODY EVEN THOUGHT TO INFORM ME."

i realized this was a major blow. at the health center, under ghanaian terms, because she is the oldest person around, she should be the most respected. this shipment of bicycles was considered a big deal and she had had no idea it was happening, we had forgotten her.

"IF THAT IS HOW IT IS, FINE, I'LL PACK MY BAGS AND LEAVE."

her fury hadn't died down, i was suprised by how charged she was.

kingsley tried slinking away and Ma yelled at him to figure out who made the list. he called efreeyeh, who seemed to be the most elated from the idea of getting a bike. she loves bike riding. she walked through the screen door glowing with excitement, unaware of what was going on.

right when Ma started screaming at Efreeyeh, Efreeyeh began to laugh and looked down. this small interaction clarified so much for me. i had heard Ma admonish patients before, during consultation, and each did the same thing- that is- they looked down and laughed. i always thought i must have been interpreting the situation incorrectly, nobody laughs, nobody looks genuinely joyful when someone is yelling at them. but i was wrong, they do. efreeyeh looked happy.

"...HUH? TELL ME!"

efreeyeh said she didn't make the list, while kingsley escaped. "BUT YOU SAY YOU DIDN'T MAKE THE LIST? YOU ARE A MIDWIFE'S ASSISTANT, YOU SHOULD KNOW THESE THINGS!"

then Ma wrapped her arms close to her body and squeezed. "CALL VIC FOR ME!"

efreeyeh ran out and i sat with Ma. i wanted to ask her where she'd plan on riding around, which paths would she take, but i knew it was irrelevant.

"I'll PACK MY BAGS AND GO." she said.

i suddenly felt that she wanted me to resist that, i needed to talk her down from her bridge.

"Maaaaaaa... we need you here. you can't go."

"HMPF!"

"Really Ma, you're the master midwife. it was a bad mistake."

"A MISTAKE! last night that young woman came in, you and sofie and edward were here. why did you call for vic to come settle the case? huh? the young woman was pregnant, it should have been settled in maternity, but you called vic. she is only pretending to be a midwife. i am certified, but you didn't call me!"

"but they weren't certain it was a maternity case. they were trying to figure it out."

the woman was pregnant, and we had met her on the road in the dark, she was moaning in agony, her husband holding her up. we turned around and walked back to the clinic. she sounded like she could have been having a baby, but she was only 2 months pregnant. a possible spontaneous abortion, but there was no blood, and none ever came. we didn't feel the need to disturb Ma while she was sleeping. the doctors were taking care of it.

"THEY SHOULD HAVE CALLED ME! YOU SEE! ... and the other girl, the small girl whose father raped her. she went to vic. that should have been my case. she should come to me for antenatal, 6 months pregnant. she will come to deliver and i won't know who she is. hmpf! i didn't even know about her until you said something. why should she go to vic? i am the midwife! why?"

i could see her point. i felt guilty and i felt bad, mostly because Ma was hurt and i didn't like seeing her like this. not all the maternity cases were being referred to her. in her eyes, we were disrespecting and insulting her, and she had been storing up all this anger for awhile.

"both of those things upset you?" i asked.

"YES!"

"nobody knew. you didn't tell us."

"i know. why should i tell you?"

"because it makes you mad."

i quickly remembered mad means insane in this part of the world. i rephrased. "because you're angry and none of us even know."

"WELL IT'S NOT GOOD. NONE OF THIS IS GOOD. YOU SEE?"

"i'm sorry."

Madame Vic walked in the room and sat down across from me, cooly. she looked at Ma and then back at me. "we made a very bad mistake, we have forgotten Ma. she is the senior staff so if we are going to make a project we should inform her, ask her, see what she thinks. it's too bad." then she shook her head.

Ma shouted at Vic, then called everyone in for one last session. then we all left, droopy shouldered dragging our feet. secetry had just arrived, and as the screen door was shutting Ma heard his voice. "CALL SECETRY." she ordered me.

"secetry!" i pointed back through the door "Ma wants you."

he jumped off the bike, and laughed. when he walked past me into her area i could tell he already knew what he was in for. it looked like he was trying to shrug his shoulders up high so his head might fall down into the deep part of his tshirt. so he could cushion the attack.

i heard him squeal when she started yelling, and i looked back to see her words creating winds so vicious i hoped he'd make it out alive.

i walked back into the office, where ed and sofie were sitting.

"this is so cool!" sofie said, clapping her hands together. "all the bikes are here, i'm so excited!" she clenched her teeth and sucked in a happy breath. i gave her a smile back, but it was really fake.

i wasn't able to shake the wrath, it had stained my afternoon. it would be hard to get rid of, i thought, until efreeyeh walked into the office swatted me on the head and started boneshakin'.