Happy New Year *14*

its New Year Eve, i just remembered that.

2 years ago, after the enormous tsunami hit in Asia, i stayed in the house and collaged for New Years Eve. I couldn't see why anyone would want to go out and party when millions of people were so deeply hurting. why anyone would want to destroy their bodies with poison when all these people were aching for health. why i would want to spend money on myself when organizations so desperately needed donations. why i'd want to go anywhere when all my family was right here.

i watched the news all night and cried. then i thought long and hard about my life. what is it that i want to do? this year, the year after, in 10 years. i grabbed stacks of magazines and started clipping images that i wanted to materialize into my reality. i did this with my cousin, who was about 10 at the time.

she puffy painted and glued horses all over hers.

i ended up filling about 5 jumbo sized index cards and taping them into a vertical display, each one hanging from the other.

the top card, had a picture of a seal. yes, the mammal, a seal. its face was plump and pleasant, she had a smirk so peaceful and serene that i could only interpret as being directly God derived. i wanted that smirk. i wanted that knowing. so i cut it out and pasted the image at the top. that was the most important thing to me.

next down the line i think i put a picture of a woman karate chopping her way over a cliffs edge. i didn't want to die, i wanted to become a black belt. i was moving to Taiwan and thought it'd be the perfect place to learn a martial art and develop some severe self-defense tactics. since then, that goal has sifted around and been filtered out. maybe one day.

the 3rd note card was a picture of a lady holding a fetal scope up to a pregnant woman's belly. i wanted to become a midwife. or so i thought. i wanted to see, at least, if i wanted to become a midwife. this picture was pasted over an image of low lying tropical rain forest and a long red dirt dusty road.

sound familiar?

every morning when i walk to work i marvel at the exactness of what i am looking at and what i had glued on my card. there is no disparity. i am living in the place i had glued on my card.

prior to coming here i had never seen it. in fact, my prayers before i came went something like this

"dear God, if this place doesn't exist please let me know why you sent me here."

i was doubting the legitimacy of the organization, for a few slight reasons. i had no idea i would be living in a place i had already seen, on my collage card.

the 4th card had a woman sitting at a laptop casually writing a novel.

and the last had a plan on how to pay off some petty debt.

i glued a picture of Gael Garcia Bernal on the flip side. he's the sexy Latin American who stars in The Motorcycle Diaries. He was just a symbol. i didn't want to make romantic love my main focus, it could occupy the backspace. although admittedly i was having a hard time not doing so. i had fallen head over heals for a man who satisfies every part of my soul. its not easy being madly in love and trying to pursue these things... one always seems to have to give way to the other.

i have to flip the card and focus separately.

in a perfect world i could move Mr. Marquez to the front, create a 5th card, and they could all dangle together. but for now, he was on the back, and the things on the front were all happening. well, at least some of them, the ones at the moment that are worth the flipping.

now, 2 years later, i'm sitting in this Internet lab waiting for a midwife to call me so i can go hang out with bulging bellied women. if i was to do the same thing tonite, cut and paste together some sort of intention board, i don't know what i would put.

now that i'm removed from America, from the incessant drive to 'do' and 'go' and 'strive' i feel complacent. or satisfied. or just unable to dream up some things to achieve. i'm pleased with what is happening here, even if Watchman and Secetry don't call for me in the night, and Ernestine forgets our date.

the Ghanaian mindset is very oriented towards the present. besides Ma asking me what i'll be eating for dinner every morning at 9, i've yet to see a lot of planning here. it is both a major stumbling block towards development, and one of poverty's greatest blessings. to be able to accept the present and not obsess over the future. i think every one could have a lot to learn from this way of thinking: to be happy and grateful that the tank has enough to get you to the station, instead of assuming you'll always be on full.